(25) 2015

HELLO ehehehehe

2015 has been a roller coaster for me thus far, but nevertheless, I'm really happy with what I'm given and provided with this year! This year, I plan to excel and flourish in my new school, especially since it's a jc!!!!!! (WOOOOOOOOO I MADE IT TO A JC) I mean look at me!!! Just a few months ago in april, I didn't take anything seriously, much less o's, till I met this person. She helped me from building and shaping my character up, to helping and guiding me in my academia walk. She helped me to wake up and get my two feet back on track. She was the one who helped me get this far and I'm really really really thankful for her, although she's scary sometimes. I even got a new room all to myself, a new phone and a new laptop woohoo

So, ever since my o's have been over, ALOT of things have been going on and honestly, I've been happier in my life! Firstly, over the holidays, I've gotten so tight with weiwei ::--)) All my adventures with her have been so unforgettable and fun!!!!! eHE and also, I've also gotten the chance to become a cell leader :00 WOOOOOOOOO it's been a dream of mine to be one ever since I entered the youth ministry and now that I've gotten a chance to be one, I took it right away! I went for Leader's Advance at this really nice campsite (there were air con bunks with beds ok and the toilets were so damn clean), and we could use our phones as and when we liked, so it's a plus point! I also got to bond with my friends and got to know a lot more people through this camp! I met like half of my new region, JED! at the camp and woah, I LOVED MY NEW LC IMMEDIATELY, I have a feeling that our LC will be really fun this year and I'm looking forward to the upcoming year ahead! ;--))

But, my mom and coach actually stopped me from being a leader and that was what troubled me very much over the last few weeks of December. The EQUIP trainings for the first year leaders clashed with my tuition on saturdays, and that's how they stopped me. My coach said that if I were to go to jc, this leadership would eat up a lot of my time. I was really sad about it so I decided to not go for this training and go for tuition instead. (it's a full day tuition-- 9am-5pm; it's no joke huhu ;u;) But all at the same time, I don't regret my decision! :--)))

I'm really glad for the people around me who support and strengthen me (esp my faith) whenever I need comfort. An example would be the day before I collected my o's results; I went to church feeling really jittery about it. I kept thinking about my results ever since a month before the collection, and honestly, it wasn't fun being troubled over it. I even broke down twice in church huhu. There were many reasons as to why I was feeling so scared and anxious, and one of them would be: how am I, a person who has never taken what most people have taken, going to cope in a JC? (that's was IF I could even get into one at that point in time). I for one wasn't a strong person in terms of my grades, like I said earlier, I had only started my engine in April. June was my crunch period because I had to persevere and do things that I had NEVER done before and thought will do in my life, such as getting up real damn early during the holidays and sleeping late every single day. I did nothing but to study during the whole of June and it was a painful yet excruciating process. When school reopened, I had everything done up and was ready to be drilled by the teachers for the last few months before my last battle. However, my teachers were all adamant on not drilling us and even told us "what's the point of drilling you guys? you'll never make it". Every single teacher said that to us on a daily basis, but I didn't take heed of their word and carried on mugging at home till the wee hours every single day. My life was basically torturous but of course, I felt a sense of accomplishment whenever I was deemed productive at the end of every day. Staying back till 6 plus every day coupled with heaps of assignments and revision that was needed to be done daily, really exhausted and tired me out. But, I kept telling myself to press on. At the same time, I had some problems with the people in class and it was actually set up to deter me from my grit and determination in the process. This didn't falter me, although it did affect me at some point in time, but, I prayed about it and told some people about it and got some advise on how to overcome these sore eyed problems.

I got to know many new people over the last few months of the race, and honestly, I couldn't ask for better people to be hanging around with, especially when you're desperate to study with people and need help in certain areas. They helped to sharpen me and vice versa. I am really really really thankful for them and even if I did better than them, I want them to be exalted and praised for their hard work! I've never seen anyone so hardworking in my two years in that class. They understood my problems with people and helped me whenever I needed them. Throughout this whole period, I never forgot to keep God in my mind; constantly telling him my problems and uplifting them to him. My grades were straight f9s, ever since I was sec 3 till mid sec 4, before I woke up. Low and behold, I g=even managed to snag a few A1s for o's! (Although I don't know how that happened, but thank God for his providence and mercy!) I even managed to pull away from my addiction (yes, I admit that it was a really unhealthy addiction) from kpop during this period after I woke up. It was a really hard thing to do, to put down my love for baekhyun and my fan account. I had to resist not opening the twitter app, just to escape from what was currently happening in the fandom. Call this a blessing in disguise, but this was also the time whereby baekhyun's dating rumours were out and it hurt me a lot. It actually helped to sort of fuel (?) my distance and want to stay away from kpop and baekhyun for a while. His scandal really broke my heart and hurt me to the point of shedding many, many tears over it. But now, I'm back and I believe that things have changed for the better!

Weifen has been my saviour throughout my o's period and she's God's gift to me! She was present throughout the whole period and even waited for me to finish o's just to go play with me. She understands me so so so much and we jinx each other like 98% of the time, it scares me sometimes. She's really pretty and cute, which suits sehun ;--)) I can tell her anything and everything, and she'll understand, though she's 2 years younger. We even have many many many couple items and it's actually quite funny (bcs some people actually copy us ==). We went out every single week and it's crazy how we bonded after that LONG break in between April and about.....October-ish? I don't want to leave her or not see her when school starts because our schools and houses are like miles apart :-((( but nonetheless weiwei, this mama rice will make time for you okay! I'll constantly keep you in my prayers and I''ll never ever forget about you :--)) I shall not divulge too much into weiwei ehE

Moving on, school is starting for me soon (in about a week; 2 months of holiday is really not enough) and i'm honestly excited to go to school because I'll be able to meet new people and take subjects that I REALLY LIKE so I hope that the next three years will be a fruitful experience for me!! Plus, I'm planning on joining dance too so I think my school life is going to be pretty interesting. The school uniform is the EXACT same colour and is almost identical to my dream school, CJ but sadly, I didn't do well enough to go there. But it's okay, I'm satisfied with my results and that I landed up in a JC! :--)) I've always liked CJ's uniform since it's blue and all, and I kept seeing myself in a blue uniform, who knew that it'll be MI's! Wish me all the best and have fun this year ok, no matter where you land up in! :--))

(24) Updates

HELLO 

ahhhhhhhhhhhh what am I doing here, I should be studying! 

well, o's are in about an average of 70 more days and my prelims are just 20 days away. Who's up for that? Definitely not me. I'm just trying my best to do what I can and to gauge whatever comes my way. It is irrefutable and tiresome to be going through a beyond-vicious cycle almost everyday in school. I'm just really really really genuinely glad that there are many public holidays and school events this term- that ultimately means more rest and time for me to catch up with my work! No, don't get me wrong, I'm so glad that are actually actually activities for us to be taking part in, besides sitting in class doing practically nothing. I find class time really unproductive and pointless, at this juncture. The teachers aren't doing much; not like what I had expected them to be doing. I had always thought that they would be pumping us with prelim papers after papers, especially at this time. But I haven't seen much from all the subjects? The teachers probably think that it's pointless and not fruitful to be doing so. I'm sure that some people would actually do the papers that they'll give! I mean they're practically stereotyping the whole class. 

My teacher told us in our face that "not a single one of us are worthy enough to be in a JC". Well, ouch, that was a nice slap in the face. Here I am, slogging my way through school and you're telling me that not a single person can make it to JC next year? I'm trying really hard to prove everyone wrong and to get my butt into my dream school. It is envisioned now and then, that I'm wearing that signature uniform, and studying in that school! My dream is also to be in their dance cca as well. 

Moving on

Well, I've been really intrigued by how easily some people are able to be sponsored by blogshops and by brands! How cool can that be, and I'm still interested in  my modelling dream o k. HAHAHAHA no kidding; I'm a novice at modeling and I'm definitely and proven (with a chop) that I am camera-awkward. Even though I have a penchant of taking selfies, but still. Having other people to take pictures for you and you doing it yourself, are a world of difference, if you ask me. Mmmmmm I haven't been into exo much lately, considering how busy I am. I barely even have enough time to rest or to breathe; how am I supposed to juggle catching up with exo and my studies? Affirmatively, it can't be done. I've stopped for a couple of months now, and honestly, it's like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. I don't have to worry or to anticipate arbitrary things any longer. In fact, seeing how productive I am at work is more satisfying than seeing or hearing unpleasant things on the net, or even seeing their faces in previews. I'm honestly not sure if I'll be going back to the fandom after o's. God knows if I'll still be interested in kpop by then. But if smtown ever comes, it's a must to go. I'm already missing their solo concert, which is being held right smack in the middle of my prelims. (ugh god it must be fate) Although I'm still interested in the korean culture and the music produced, is frankly hard to get over, because their music is really good and literally eargasmic. I'm serious! The fashion there inspires me, and that alone already keeps me stuck in the korean culture in one way or another. Circle lenses are probably the things that I'm obsessed with now, because my eyes are really puny and starting to look Asian. I do know the root cause of it though, maybe it has something to do with books and studying and o's maybe, I don't know, I bet you would know the default answer to it. 

Many things have changed and the circumstances in my life have changed drastically- for the good or the bad, I'm not sure of it myself. I am definitely thankful for the cushioning of the problems that I had, and how I managed to rebound back and becoming even stronger. Never have I ever felt so mature or level-headed about most things, and I guess it's about time to do so. I'm already 16, I can't be constantly taking the childish route of resolving things now can I? I don't want to comment too much on the past, I'll focus more on the future instead! I strongly believe that with God's grace, I'll be able to do well with his guidance and his help. I have a dream and I shall achieve it. 

(23) monster

You're nothing but a monster to me.
Get out of my life, I don't need you anymore.
Stop bringing my mother and I immense pain and suffering.

너무 아파

(22) 상처

I'm not a slut. I'm not a whore.
What did I even do to be named these horrific labels? All I ever did was record a fucking dance cover and this is what I get.
I didn't even publicize or proclaim that I could dance well. In fact those who know me well enough, would know that I feel inferior and I look down upon myself when it comes to the aspect of dancing. I would practice so damn hard back in those days while I was still in dance, that I would injure my back and waist. Do you know how painful that can be? I couldn't even bend, sit, stand or even walk properly without feeling pain. Yet, I bore with the pain and took it as a sign of hard work and intensive training for myself to get better at the sport. But everyone has their limits. I broke down countless of times because of the pain and worry that I wouldn't be as good as others, and I'm a perfectionist when it comes to the execution of my dance exercises. Moreover, I've always been telling myself that I'm fat, my legs aren't as pretty as other dancers and I started dancing not too long ago so I'm not as agile as others. I look down upon myself, many at times, it's just that I don't voice anything out. Now don't get me wrong and say that I'm seeking pity, I'm not. I'm just expressing the amount of hurt, anger and injustice I'm feeling. It's so unfair to be saying those things about me.
Dancing is undeniably, a passion of mine. A passion doesn't mean that you have to be good at it, but rather how much effort and love you put into it.
Therefore, if you think that I'm a slut or whore or whether I'm horrible at dancing, please come and say it to my face. Don't go round spreading the damn video and creating more trouble or hurt for others. I've been hurt enough, my wounds don't need to be pried open even further. And I thought that you were all my friends, or acquaintances at the very least. But I guess not. This dance cover was made purely for our own entertainment and you can actually see that we weren't putting in much effort or taking it seriously. Remember, bashing blindly is as good as bashing yourself up.

(21) Choices

Turning older would also mean making the right choices. Recently, a person has been guiding me through this period and has helped me realize something. I have found out where I am actually supposed to head to after o's, if I want to live that ideal lifestyle of mine when I grow up. This would also mean that I wouldn't be with my circle of friends any more when I move up after graduation. Well okay let me just say where I'm planning on heading to- SAJC/CJC/MI. Well these are the three most ideal JCs that I would want to go to next year and after sitting for o's. I've actually re-evaluated the pros and cons of going to poly and JC and actually weighed everything out to be tantamount to where I actually was originally in a denial state- JC aka a hell hole. NP may be my dream school and all, but come to think of it, going to a good local university is my actual and ultimate goal, thus, JC is the route to go for me. I've even fully given up on kpop for these months till after o's because I really do need to focus on my studies to get what I want. I'm even scrapping most of my tuitions (due to reasons which I shall not disclose on a public domain) to focus more. 

Many may mock or even copy (lol) me for the fact that I'm heading to JC, but guess what, you're not going to affect me or my goals. You can go kiss my ass.

I'm glad that my mother is there for me 26/9, to guide me and to provide an immense amount of emotional support for me, in my decisions. "A mother is like your best friend. You only have one mother, treasure her before it's too late." People often don't know how much I love my mom, and to the point that they would dismiss the idea of a mother and daughter sticking like glue to each other. But I beg to differ. I can never ask for a better mother, who would tell me loads of crappy lame jokes, listen to my rants and never-ending complaints and to share most of my emotional anguish. She's the one who understands me the most and would share my doubts and worries with me. 

May it be poly or JC or even ITE, I know that God has a plan in store for me and right now, I think it's in action. happy Easter once again to my Heavenly Father and to the one who has saved me from all my sadness and helps me overcome my pain, Happy Rising from the dead, Jesus. Thank you for everything thus far, please guide me through everything else and see me through my darkest times and needs. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY XIAOLU ILY 

Till next time,

bel

(20) SWEET 1 6

SCREAMS HI HIHIHIHIHIHIHI

HEHEHEHEHE well guess what, it's my 16th birthday today! 

I've been itching to write a blog post over the past few days, but I figured that I would save it for today!

I had lots and lots and l o t s of fun this year, for my sweet 16. Well firstly, I've tried something I've never tried before in my entire life- karaoke. Wow so now after spending the day at West Coast for x-country, and at nex for karaoke, I'm beat. My friends have made my Sweet 16 really memorable and I can't thank them enough for the presents and surprises that they had planned for me. 

Well, the birthday cake had caught me off guard, I really didn't expect a cake HAHAHA  
the pictures are down below, so enjoy! 

SORRY HAHAAHAHAHAHA

i've been told that i look like park bom without her makeup 

met up with my cell today!

Lots of love,

bel